You watch him move back and forth on the stage, his voice powerful and mighty. You watch the people in the crown raise their hands, shouting in agreement with the man on stage, but you feel sick to your stomach. You don’t want to be here, don’t want to be looking at this man. You don’t want to be hear the words he’s saying or hear his voice in your ears. You are forced to be here, forced to look at this man and his glory, because even you can’t deny that this man is glorious.
“Brother and Sisters!” He shouts, “I want you to raise your hands to God and speak of his power, praise his power. Brothers and Sisters! I want you to accept his power!” His voice booms and you see people jumping and shaking and some have even fainted.
He wipes the sweat from his forehead with the white embroidered handkerchief that your mother made for him, moved by his words. You look around at the people again, some sitting and some still standing, all with their hands raised. You assume they are feeling the spirit, you’re assuming God or Jesus or whomever is filling them with love of the Lord. You wish you could feel that love. You look at both your parents, standing next to you, the three of you off to the side of the stage. The look on your mother’s face looks as if she is about to cry and your father as a look of complete and utter self-satisfaction.
“He is amazing.” You hear your mother say.
“The Lord is in him.” Your father adds, and you see that neither of them have taken their eyes off of him. You wish you could. You wish you could tear your eyes away from him, but you are transfixed by him, almost mesmerized. He looks off to the side, addressing the audience closest to you and your eyes meet and it is all that you can do not to run. You look away from him as fast as you can. You’re sure that if you continue to look, of your eyes meet again, everyone will know. You’re convinced that everyone will be able to see it written all over you.
You try very hard not to be by yourself when he is around. There is always something to be done and you are always doing something for your parents. Even with all the tricks of avoidance that you’ve learned, he still finds ways to corner you, lure you, entice you away from the adults you’ve surrounded yourself with. You manage to refuse him, get out of being around him for too long. But every so often he trips you up and you find yourself back in the situation that you’ve fought so hard not to be in.
For right now, at this moment, in a small white tent, on some muddy land in the middle of the South, you mask whatever shame and hurt you’re feeling and you look back at the stage when you’re sure he’s not looking in your direction. You pretend that the words he says and the message he puts forth are the man he really is and you push away the memories and the thoughts of the things he’s made you do. You want more than anything to believe that he isn’t the man with the rough hands who’s hot, bourbon tinged breath says things in your ear, things you’re sure you are not supposed to know about. When it’s over, you’re not sure how to feel, your mind tells you to feel disgusted and angry; to run and tell someone, but your heart tells you to keep quiet and still because this man brings money to your family and to your church. Before this man came, you went without food for weeks at a time. When he started to preach and sing people came from far and wide and gave their money. To tell, to tell on him, to reveal this unspoken secret that the two of you share, would take all of that away from your family. You resolve yourself not to tell, you endure and you stay silent. You know the cost of telling is too great; a cost you’re not willing to pay.
Standing next to your parents at the side of the stage looking up the man who tears you apart from the inside out, but with his words builds you up; fills you with the love of a Lord you’re not sure hears you when you silently cry.
You stand still, and hold your breath, hoping that if you hold it long enough you’ll disappear. You hope he will stop looking at you in the way he does, that someone else will get his attention and you can be left alone, left alone to grow up and not have to worry about hands that touch places they were not invited to touch. He walks down the small stairs on the other side of the stage and starts walking into the audience, touching people, healing them with his touch, the love of God coming through his fingers. You see a woman crying so hard she’s incoherent, moved by his hands being laid upon her and you wonder why his hands touching you don’t have the same effect. You find yourself secretly wishing that they did. You wish he could move you and make you cry to the point of unintelligible speech and believe that all the things that he has done to you is all because he loves you and wants you to feel God’s love.
After the spectacle is over, you’re in the small trailer that your father pulls behind the station wagon. You sit at the table, reading, trying to fill your mind with something other than scripture.
“Go take this to the preacher,” your mother says, handing you a plate with a piece of chocolate cake covered in plastic wrap. You look up at her, shocked that she isn’t at least somewhat suspicious about why when you go over there you stay for so long. “Here,” she says again, forcing the plate into your lap. You close your book and take the plate, putting on your jacket and walking out the door. You come to the even smaller trailer set up behind the tent. You can feel your palms getting sweaty; feel the tension rise in you. You take a step closer to the door and try to talk yourself out of running, but you know your mother will ask about the cake. You take a few more steps until you are close enough to knock on the door. He opens it, out of his preacher white shirt and black tie, he looks like the true man that he is. A white undershirt and loose fitting pajama pants. He knew you were coming, changed his clothes to make it easier for himself.
“Come in,” he smiles. You shake your head. “Aw, come on in,” he says, his voice as sweet as sugar.
“My mother wanted to give this to you.” You hold out the plate, your hands shaking. He looks at the cake in the middle of the plate in your hand and smiles.
“I have to give your mother back her other plate from last time, but I have to find it first. Come on and sit while I look for it.”
“You can give it to her after early morning service tomorrow,” you say, hoping he’ll see you as too much trouble and give up and let you go.
“I’ve had it too long, come on. It won’t take but a minute,” he says and steps forward to gently take your arm and pull you inside. You try and put the cake between the two of you, hoping it will keep him at a distance. He reaches above your head to close the door behind you.
“You’re so bunched up. Relax!” he says, going the less than a foot into the small kitchen. You see him looking into the cabinets, but not really looking. “You know what?” you hear him say, “I think I might have left it in the bedroom.”
“Ok,” you manage, “I’ll wait right here.” You see him give a small smile and then disappear for a moment into the small bedroom to retrieve the plate. He comes back out a moment later, plate in hand. He walks up and hands it to you.
“Here you go,” he smiles. You take it, and he puts a hand on your cotton covered shoulder and takes the plate with the cake. He’s moves to the small couch and sits down. Unwrapping the cake and smelling it.
“You want to stay and share the cake with me?” he asks.
“No, I have to get back,” you say, turning around and opening the door.
“A preacher has asked you to share his food with him. The least you can do is stay, at least to be polite,” he says. You wish his words didn’t affect you and you wish you weren’t taught that to leave now would be rude. Your mother would be appalled by you turning down his invitation, and he knows that because he would tell her if you left. You look over your shoulder at him, he’s gotten off the couch and is walking towards you, and you feel his fingers curling around the collar of your jacket, taking it off your back. You have accepted your defeat and you feel his hand stroking your back, the other on your hip. You feel the tears on your cheeks and you close the door.